This is MY Life: Diffusing a Bully

Bully – a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker

Bullies come in all sizes and ages in life. Bullying happens while you are in grade school, college, and even as a working adult. Everyone I know has encountered a bully at one point in their life either by:

    1. being the victim of a bully (20% – 1 in every 5 people)
    2. watching another person get bullied (71% – nearly 3 in every 4 are a bystander)
    3. being a bully themselves (30% bullied another – 1 in every 3 at some point in life)

Truth: HURT people WILL hurt people.

I have experienced all of these.

THE VICTIM: I was bullied by two boys in middle school that were upperclassman. Oh, I remember their names too. Even after all these years, one never forgets the name of someone who says they will inflict harm to you if they get the opportunity. These boys would say sexual things to me and/or things they would do to me if they caught me alone off school property. I would avoid them at all costs on the bus and in the hallways of the school. I saw them and would turn the other way. Fear of humiliation swept over me; I did not want them to say my name in front of others and harass me. The words of a bully are never forgotten.

THE BYSTANDER: I remember being very young and watching a fellow classmate take some words that brought shame on him and fear in the rest of us who heard the words of the bully. I looked down at the floor hoping to be invisible and not to move so I would not become the next target. I felt so bad for the boy, I felt powerless. However, 57% of the time if a bystander steps in the bullying stops within 10 seconds.

BEING THE BULLY: Then, I was on the other side not long after in transition from 8-9th grade and became the bully. I was being abused and beaten at home. I was pushed around even by my boyfriend. It was time to get tough to survive. I felt hated by my siblings, neglected by my mom, and was being touched inappropriately by my stepdad. I needed help but did not know it at the time. I became a ‘judge of injustice’ and began to bully those that dare bully or hurt my friends or strangers in front of me. I did not bully people that were different or innocent. I only went after those that would hurt others in ANY way. I justified my actions because I did not want others to feel the pain I felt. However, intentionally hurting anyone in any way for any reason is not okay. I could have done things differently.

I was embarrassed by my home life and feeling like it was somehow my fault (most victims feel this way); I did not tell anyone. I developed destructive, toxic relationships with other rebellious kids, did not follow any authority, I did not care about myself, and I started cutting my skin and smoking marijuana and cigarettes to cover my pain. When someone did something I did not like or I was jealous of them – I would pick a fight and call them names. I looked for ways that I could lash out and hurt someone else because I was hurting so much inside. Anyone who came against me, I was calling a fight after school. I had nothing to lose; I became reckless with my life. I did not care what happened to me, I thought there was nothing more harmful then the life I was living.

Lynn, a girl who rode my school bus, flirted with a boy I liked, I was told she was doing inappropriate things to get his attention, so I called her a few names. Did not think another thing about it. I felt better. Well, at our 10-year high school reunion, I seen her. She came over and said that she was afraid of me. I was surprised and did not understand why. She proceeded to remind me of the names I called her and told me that she had to change schools because of my words spoken about her, it ruined her reputation. She ended up with low self esteem and struggled in school, making friends, all because I called her names. She said the names stuck and she had to go to a new school just to start over for high school. WOW. I was horrified to know my actions caused this and I had no idea the path of destruction I left behind running from my own abuse and pain. I was broken. We reconciled and attended the reunion together; both having found healing and forgiveness in Christ over the previous years leading up to this reunion. We talked a while, apologized, and forgave one another. I was blessed, it is never too late to right a wrong.

Later in life about 30 years old, after I had went through years of healing and recovery, I became a youth leader at church and began working with girls that were in the Juvenile Detention Centers (JDC) in our region and was able to provide insight on how to diffuse a bully’s efforts, stand up for yourself, and take control of your future. I do believe that YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.

I listened and having knowledge of being a bully and being bullied I could share inside information on what I know had worked to diffuse a bully.

*All studies I have reviewed significantly agree that people act out violently and aggressively to their peers because they are being abused at home.

When you see a bully, remember this fact that MOST are being hurt elsewhere.

I was at the JDC one evening and a teen, let us call her Jackie, and I were chatting and shared what she struggled with, “hitting a bully.” She stated that she was placed in the detention center 13 times for hitting the same girl at school because the other girl would instigate and say terrible things to her. She was being bullied with words. We chatted about this and I asked her if she liked the JDC or if she liked how she felt after hitting this girl. Jackie did not like this and wanted it to stop but did not know how. I suggested that she see her bully in a different light, as someone hurting; she knew enough about her bully to know she did not have a good home life, struggled in school, was angry all the time, and did not have many friends. I mentioned to Jackie, from experience, this bully had no fear of being hit because she is most likely getting hit at home or by someone else. The emotional pain of abandonment or mental abuse is sometimes unbearable and being hit takes the place for a short time in the mind of someone hurting. Cutting is a result as well, hurting physically will replace the focus on the emotional pain temporarily. As a former bully, I kept everyone at a distance because if one person showed care for me, I would get angry and walk away. It would penetrate my heart and I would feel the slightest bit emotional; I would feel the need to steer clear of them, I was hardening my heart to survive my own abuse. Funny, a bully running from someone who cares, BUT it is true! It messed with me, when someone showed care, I wanted to cry right there. I had to get away.

This is the advice I gave Jackie (and people of all ages) for her next encounter with this bully so she could stop the repeat visits to the JDC; as well as, diffuse this bully. I shared with her the next time this bully starts ‘running her mouth,’ that Jackie needed to take control of the situation in a few steps that would allow her to defend herself, display respect and honor, and not hurt the bully physically. Love made me run, so why not?

    1. Say to the bully, “I am not who you say I am.”
    2. “I would like to be your friend, I don’t know what is going on in your life but because the way you are treating me, I am not allowing you a place in mine.”
    3. Then walk away.
    4. Tell someone at school, college, or your supervisor at work so intervention can be made if needed. Adult bullies are in a pattern and knowing this can help you cope with the behavior, something inside them from trauma or learned behavior from childhood bullying experience has them stuck.

There is no comeback to that. I don’t care who you are, this will leave them speechless. The bully cannot argue, “you will be my friend if I say you are my friend!” Uh no. That will not happen. There is nothing that can be said, Except I have heard, “Whatever!.”

You have defended your honor (you’re not made to be a doormat for anyone), and took control, showed care for them and extended healthy boundaries by not allowing that person to be in your life. DONE. And if they try again. Repeat steps 1, 2, 3, 4 or do your best to ignore the bully. This is YOUR life, you teach others how to treat YOU. In school, college, and the office, you can apply this and free yourself by taking control of your life.

Being confident taking the power of the situation and love a bully right away from you. They will say you are weird, they will be confused, and will leave you alone because they cannot ruffle your feathers or understand why you care about them. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. It starts wars, ends wars, changes people in a moment, and saves lives. God put something in each of us that is eternal, that is longing for love, and we thrive when we release love to others, we were made for this; to love.

*comment or private email me if you have specific situations that you would like help navigating

Sources:

https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/facts

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/adult-bullying.html

Esther, Sunshine – Real life

https://www.biblegateway.com

RESOURCES IN THE BIBLE THAT HELPED ME. I found this scripture that is so helpful when I am helping others define what is the right steps to take when encountering a bully.

How to treat Enemies

Romans 12:19-20 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Leviticus 19:18 18 “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.”

2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Matthew 5:43-46 43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?

What about hating them

1 John 3:15 15 Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him.

Having fear of a bully

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Bullied for Jesus

Matthew 5:11 11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.”

Hurtful words spoken

Ephesians 4:29 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Matthew 5:38-41 38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.

Do Good Psalm 34:12-18 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Love your neighbor Mark 12:31 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Promise of Protection from God

Psalm 18:3 I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.

Promise Isaiah 41:11-13 “All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Gods promise to you about your enemies

Isaiah 54:15-17 15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
17  no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the Lord.

Promise for you

Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Live in Peace

Romans 12:18 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Be the light

Revelation 22:12 12 “Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done.

Matthew 5:44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Ephesians 5:8-13 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

Stand up for those bullied

Psalm 82:4 Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

YOU ARE MIGHTY AND DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FULL & FREE - YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE - 
YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU THE WORLD HAS - 
TELL SOMEONE IF YOU FEEL THE WEIGHT IS TOO HEAVY TO BEAR - YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!
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