Let Him Be the Man He Was Made to Be – Happy Father’s Day!

With the fast approaching month of June, my mind wanders to the daydreams of what beautiful summer memories that I will be making this year. June is one of the best months, it ushers in the transition from Spring to the flowers of summer in full bloom. The smell is so sweet.

However, June also carries a very special holiday, one that celebrates the fearless leaders of the family, Father’s Day. The guy who kills the spiders, who braves the coaches on his kids’ football (or lacrosse) team, who gives the feared “man talk” with his son at 12; yes, this is the guy we celebrate. He does deserve to be celebrated. There are also the stay-at-home dads, the ones helping with chores at home after a long day at work; but there are also the ones that hurt because he sees his kids every other weekend.

Dad or Father is the cavemen in our lives that would give their own life and die with honor any day of the week if circumstances called for him to serve and protect. And this is not just the one he loves, but a stranger. God instilled something in men that is bold and radiates honor and justice, to defend the weak or bullied. The fearless leader is inside EVERY man and will come forth if challenged to show up. I love the image of God placed inside the heart of a man.

This was not always so…….

I had to learn these things as a young woman on my own because I did not have a dad growing up to protect me and teach me. I had many stepfathers, that taught me all the wrong things about myself and about men. Through alcohol permeated breath, I was whispered lies and hurt by not only words but angry hands. I was taught to fear men very early on, they were the boss.

THE DAY CAME as I began to grow older, where I met others who taught me that there can be protection, loyalty, gentleness, honor, and respect without being forced or expected; and conversations can be had without demeaning phrases or harshness. I began to realize my defenses slowly diminished. I had discernment to keep me from unhealthy people, and not every man was controlling, criticizing, or would abandon or beat me if I did not comply. I began to see past my experience and open my eyes to the world around me. The glasses of trauma can keep your vision distorted. There is a time to take them off, I do not need them. The real thing I needed to see was inside my own broken heart.

It was necessary for me to transform my thinking to allow men into my life, they are the other 50% of the population (or at least figuratively speaking). I began to transform my thinking this way…..WAIT (DISCLAIMER) some guys are just jerks and ruin it essentially for the good ones with their bad intentions; HOWEVER, the following are some ideals I had to change in my thinking so that I could live; using what I know to keep me safe, but letting my guard down to not make another man pay the price for my past negative experiences.

VICTIM STATEMENT: I had every reason not to respect or honor men for what “they” did to me.

They are all the same, right? NO.

• When a man would fight for me, I seen controlling behavior
• When a man would open the door or carry something for me, I seen it as he thinks I am weak or incapable of doing it and is pitying me
• When a man would complement me, I seen as if he is trying to steal from me
• When a man would even touch me in friendship, I seen it as a violation of my body
• When a man would defend me to a bully, I seen it as he thinks my own voice is not good enough

I pushed myself to be the ONLY ONE that would allow anything around me to move or be done. This way no one could hurt me again. I isolated myself; and blocked out connections, relationship, intimacy, all things that God crafted in a woman to love. I would not let a MAN be a man in my presence. They felt useless, weakened, stifled, incompetent, unnecessary because I was so independent that a significant other was insignificant in my world. So sad, right? This pains me to even write it, let alone reread my own words. The anguish in my stomach over my former self.

The first pivot happened after I learned as a new Christian to accept a heavenly Father on faith; He was nothing like what I experienced here on earth in a man growing up. Someone who would die for me? WHAT? I am worth that much? This is where God began opening not just my eyes but my heart.

I was angry and frustrated that relationships were not working, over and over in my life. I was making others pay for my previous hurts. Expecting them to pay for what someone else did to me. NOT FAIR. I needed healing big time!

I spent years unlearning and relearning how to respond to men (and women for that matter) and allow them in my space. See them as individuals with what God sewn into their very being. I gained the understanding that God created us for relationship, I needed to allow them to survive. You hear this saying before, “No man is an island,” ? I had to learn to connect to the main land.

I have learned how to be a healthy God-fearing woman and friend. I have learned the value of how God made a man. Try to look at your husband, brother, father a little differently this next Father’s Day.

Remember he is not controlling (but leading – there is a difference),

not egotistical (but trying to come off confident – you know that’s attractive),

not harsh (but just being focused and driven – he does not want to fail you),

not insensitive (trying not to look weak or hurt but strong for you – he hurts too)

caveman you may think he is, but maybe, just maybe he is trying to:

fight for you, care for you, supply for you, serve you because of how God designed him to be.

Trying to make you proud of his accomplishments, tirelessly striving and working to provide, waiting to be the man he is secretly desiring to be without reprimand; to conquer the land, win the girl, and be the hero in the eyes of his children.

This Father’s Day – celebrate a little differently, even if it is silently in your heart. Celebrate the man or men in your life to encourage them to be who God made them to be, not who you want them to be. TRUST ME, that will come as you love them right where they are; one thing I have learned is men are loyal and thrive when given the chance to BE a man. I know I can do everything……..okay, almost everything he can, wait, okay not the heavy stuff, or the ……well, I cannot do it all – I was not made to do it ALL. I get tired, a girl needs beauty rest (laughing).

Oh, and I struggle with the spider thing, he can always do that for me!